Do you remember when your parents talked to you about sex? Did you cringe, laugh or want to crawl under the nearest rock? Were you embarrassed?
How Do Kids Learn
Well the truth is that they were probably more nervous and embarrassed than you were! Now it’s time to talk to your own children. Do you feel comfortable with the subject or would you rather pass it off to a Sex Ed teacher in your school system? I have canvassed a number of college students in an attempt to ascertain how they learned about sex. In a class that averages about 26 students, two to four will raise their hands and tell me that they learned about sex from their parents. The remainder learned from friends, siblings, aunts and uncles, school sponsored sex education classes and yes, the media (TV, magazines, videos, etc.). Most just feel very uncomfortable talking to their moms and dads about sexuality. Does this surprise you?
You Worry
The crazy thing is that most parents spend a lot of time worrying that their kids will make indelible mistakes related to sexuality. Parents talk about sex between themselves, their friends and their therapists. Some even call radio talk shows trying to obtain answers that will calm their fears. They lie awake at night worried about teenage pregnancy, STD’s and AIDS. But how many ever sit down with the children they love most to discuss these topics. Unfortunately, very few and the percentages are dropping.
What to Do
So what can we do about this dilemma? First it is important to know that most parents really want to do the best they can in talking to their kids about sex and sexuality, but many do not know where to begin. Studies actually show that teens who feel comfortable in talking with their parents about sex are much less likely to engage in high risk behavior. If you are not comfortable talking with your kids about sex and sexuality, seek assistance from friends, relatives, physicians, therapists and clergy that can help you to feel more confident. The more confident you feel, the easier it will be for you to talk about the subject.
Some “parent pointers” to consider include the following:
- Start talking to your kids about sex at an early age.
- Begin at the toddler stage; add exact biological words such as penis and vagina at the same time you are teaching your child about the location of other body parts such as the nose, toes, fingers
- and hands.
- As your child gets older, you can begin to gradually add more details to the conversation.
- Be pro-active in talking about sexuality; as an example, if you have a friend that is pregnant, point out that her tummy is getting bigger and that inside is a baby. You may then ask, “Do you know how the baby got inside her tummy? You may allow the conversation to take its own course at that point but always consider the child’s age and ability to understand concepts. Keep discussions at a level that is understood and comfortable for them to talk about.
- As your children get older, begin to communicate your values about sex and sexuality. This will encourage them to think things through as their behavior patterns develop.
- Talk to your children about sex even if they are the opposite gender to you. It may be a bit uncomfortable, but it should not be an excuse to avoid the subject. Many books and professionals are available as resources for help if you need it,
- so use them.
Rewards of Starting Early
As much as sex and sexuality can be a challenging subject to talk about with your kids, they can also become very interesting and rewarding developmental topics to address with them. Parents need to incorporate these subjects as part of everyday conversations at home in an appropriate and comfortable setting. Ongoing conversation will breed questions from your children and future teenagers. If you start early, trust will develop and your relationship will expand. Above all relax; work with your children as they grow through their developmental years into adolescents and young adults. You and they will appreciate the bond you have created for many years to come.
Steven B. Doblin, MS, LMHC offers a diverse set of counseling services and psycho-therapeutic approaches. He works with children and adolescents, assisting them in their emotional growth and problems associated with growing up, social anxiety and understanding their parents. Additionally, he works with families to improve communication and overall relationships. counselinghelps.net.
