Father of two Billy Farrow can throw a tea party like nobody’s business. He gets plenty of tea-drinking practice as the main caretaker for his daughters, Gwen, 5, and Jane, 3, while his wife Tanya Farrow works as a second-grade teacher. In between his night and weekend shifts as a restaurant manager, he spends most days dressing the kids, making lunches, planning meals, and volunteering at Gwen’s co-op preschool. But it’s not all dad, all the time: weekends, nights, and much of the summer, Tanya’s on mom-duty, caring for both kids, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Neither full-time domestic servants nor harried breadwinners, the Farrows a new breed of modern couple: one in which parenting and household tasks are shared equitably, if not equally, while both partners contribute to the household income and spend ample time with their children.
It sounds almost too good to be true, but Marc and Amy Vachon, co-authors of Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a Generation of Parents, hope to prove that shared parenting is a viable lifestyle option for today’s families. For the Vachons, who blog at equallysharedparenting.com, shared parenting was a concept born out of a desire to retain a sense of joy amid the chaos of early parenthood.
“I didn’t want work to be all-consuming; I didn’t want to give up the joys in my life, I didn’t want to give up the joys of being a parent. So we started focusing on balance,” says Marc.
But equally shared parenting (or ESP) is not without its detractors, or challenges, and research suggests it may increase marital friction. Is equally shared parenting a viable, attainable lifestyle option, or a pie-in-the-sky philosophy that piles more expectations on already overworked parents?
A New Path
The Vachons borrowed the term ‘equally shared parenting’ from Francine M. Deutsch, whose book, Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works, was published in 2000. In practice, ESP entails both parents taking responsibility for childcare, housework, and breadwinning, but it’s not about divvying up duties 50/50. “We’re not talking about ‘equal’ in terms of who does what. It’s about being equal peers,” says Amy.
A Growing Trend
Shared parenting is attractive to increasing numbers of parents who want success in both work and life, says Jessica DeGroot, founder and president of Third Path Institute, a Philadelphia-based think-tank devoted to work-life balance for parents. Modern parents have different ideas about work and family than their predecessors did.
The Families and Work Institute’s 2008 study on work and home life found that today’s employees are less likely to agree that it’s better if “the man earns the money and the woman takes care of the home and children.” Just 38 percent were in favor of these traditional gender roles—a drop of 25 percent since 1977. In 1992, only 21 percent of women reported that their partner spent as much or more time on childcare as they did; by 2008, that number had jumped to 31 percent. That means over two-thirds of moms still perform the lion’s share of childcare, but it also means change is afoot.
Younger parents are leading the charge toward what ThirdPath calls “integrated work-life balance.” Millennial fathers (in their 20s and early 30s) spend 4.3 hours per workday with their children, compared to three hours per day for all employed dads. Fewer young people report intense career ambition: since 1992, the percentage of people under 30 seeking a higher-powered job has fallen 13 percent for men and 6 percent for women.
Culture and Biology
Historically, ESP isn’t an isolated trend. At turns out, our traditional view of family life that includes a breadwinning dad and a stay-at-home mom isn’t so traditional after all; early American couples shared parenting much more equally.
“Americans didn’t develop this strong idea that women were the primary parents until the early 19th century,” notes Stephanie Coontz, professor of History and Family Studies at The Evergreen State College in Olympia and director of research and public education of the Council on Contemporary Families. In Colonial America, women were productive providers who often delegated childcare, and they weren’t considered more nurturing than men.
But the spread of wage labor in the 19th century divided household tasks in two, with the division falling along gender lines. Men earned while women tended the hearth and raised children, creating a firmly-entrenched ideal that’s been slow to crumble. “It’s a very powerful 200-year tradition that works on men and women in many ways,” says Cootnz: Women are taught that they’re naturally superior nurturers who should derive intense enjoyment from parenting at all times—and that they should feel guilty if they don’t—and men are taught that childcare and masculinity can’t coexist.
Fighting for Equality
Equitable parenting may be appealing, but it’s hard to achieve and even harder to maintain. Even parents who want to share tasks equally tend to drift toward inequality over time, according to Cornell University researchers Philip Cowan and Carolyn Pape Cowan. Their research found that no matter how couples plan to share parenting tasks, most slide back into traditional gender roles, causing both partners to feel less satisfaction and more anger.
For some, anger translates into fights. One study from Ohio State University found that when dads share in parenting tasks, parents fight more. But Amy Vachon notes that families in the study had more traditional gender roles. “Positioning one parent as the primary caregiver while the partner is relegated to secondary status sets the stage for the conflict seen in the study because the primary parent often clings to control over childcare and nitpicks a spouse who tries to assist,” she says.
This practice of criticizing the domestic prowess of a helpful spouse is known as maternal gatekeeping — and it’s the enemy of equally shared parenting. According to research from Brigham Young University, 21 percent of mothers are gatekeepers, reluctant to relinquish control over household and childcare tasks even when asking for a spouse’s help. “These couples have not decided to cede power for equality,” says Amy. “So there’s going to be conflict.”
The Child’s Take
A couple’s discussion of equally shared parenting shouldn’t overlook the people being parented. Kids can benefit when mom shares at least a portion of breadwinning, according to a recent study published in the Journal of Family Psychology. Numerous studies show that when dads actively participate in childcare, children benefit socially, emotionally, and academically. Kids cared for by dads show better cognitive functioning as infants, superior problem-solving as toddlers, and enhanced academic performance during the school years; they’re less likely to rebel as teenagers.
But the benefits extend beyond the here-and-now. As a strong day-to-day male presence in his girls’ lives, Billy Farrow hopes to influence their eventual choice of a partner. “I’m setting a good example in terms of how to act, while also taking the time to show them how they should be treated by a male figure; hopefully that will be something they’ll look when they’re dating.”
Malia Jacobson is a nationally published journalist specializing in parenting and health.
Tips for Parents on Working Toward Equality
Parents on unequal footing can work toward more equality at home with these steps:
1. Don’t ambush your partner. Arrange a time and day to talk about the issue in a setting relatively free of distraction.
2. Start the discussion by acknowledging the valued contributions of both partners and that no matter what, there’s never enough time or energy to go around.
3. Using “I” language, outline the problem in detail, with statements like “This is how I’m feeling” and “This is what I would like.”
4. Work together to brainstorm solutions. Avoid slipping into “scarcity mode,” a counterproductive mindset concerned with protecting your own interests.
5. Consider resources outside the household that may help balance the scales. Is there money for outside help? Can extended family or neighbors help with childcare needs?
6. Don’t expect to resolve everything in one sitting. Agree to spend a set amount of time on the topic, then table the discussion and set another time to meet.
