Tips & Support for Single Parents

Growing up, life seemed perfect. Mom stayed home with us, dad came home to us and everyone looked out for everyone. The perfection, or at least the image, was enough to fill my head with the notion that nothing would change and life would continue in this comfort and solace. Westchester was home and what better place? It was centrally located, a place of tree lined streets, good schools and neighbors who knew my name. As I grew older and more in love with my home the choice was clear that this is where I’d one day raise a family.

Yet, who knows what life actually holds in store for us. If you asked me in my earliest days of adulthood, whether I’d ever be the single mother of a toddler, I would have undoubtedly answered a bold “no.” But life, at least for now, didn’t see it the same way for me. At 30 I was married, at 31 I attained my greatest title, “Mom,” and at 33 I realized my marriage was not going to last.

For a year I toiled with the dilemma of whether to end my marriage. It certainly didn’t fit my life’s plan; divorce didn’t coincide with my personal beliefs or my background. More, I didn’t want my beautiful, young, innocent daughter to grow up in the dark shadow of divorce. I didn’t come from a broken family, how could I break hers?

And Westchester, itself, appears the poster of the “happy family.” Much sleep was lost in effort to answer these questions. I finally realized that I’d serve my daughter better by showing her that as an adult you can take control of your life and it’s not necessary to stay in a marriage because you fear what lies ahead. I knew making this move would mean her dad would not be a part of her life, but daily life would be better. Today my daughter’s time with him is sparse, if at all.

So here we are; a single mom and her adorable, bright and loving toddler. We are a family of two but we are no less a family. My daughter and I are blessed with a support network that is beyond any level of support I could ask for. I have parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends that make it their mission to ensure my daughter and I know that we are loved and not alone. As a working mom, I have a business that challenges me every day and forces me to minimize my grief.
Expert Advice
When facing divorce, Marriage and Family Therapist, Tory L. Eletto, suggests parents have an open and honest conversation with their child. In situations where both parents are present and involved with the child, she suggests “both parents be present for the discussion; and to start by externalizing the concept of divorce. Explain to them that sometimes when two adults are really having a hard time getting along, they decide it’s better for the family to separate and get a divorce.”

Noelle Elia, a certified social worker based in Larchmont, says parents should not be panicked about the stigma of divorce on children. Children can certainly thrive in a one-parent household. Elia suggests that the custodial parent can use the opportunity of divorce to strengthen the family unit and create a team. She provides the example of the challenges in going from a two-income household to a single income household. She says that a mother can rally her children with the spirit that “we’re in this together and we have to be a strong team.” Elia does caution, however, against a parent “parentifying” a child. Roles and boundaries always need to exist so a child is not transformed into an equal “partner.”

Feelings
Eletto suggests to “Always legitimize your child’s feelings and thoughts. Do not rush to tell them everything is ok; really take the time to understand what is going on for them. If you notice they are struggling, having trouble in school, acting out, or withdrawing, it may be time to seek out help from a counselor. Remind yourself this is also a huge adjustment period for your child, and the process may take some time.”

Elia adds that it’s important to allow your children to feel sad. “Feelings will come and go, and divorce is a loss and form of bereavement,” she says. “This pain loops around as it’s an ongoing loss. A person has to readjust at each stage of their life.” In addition, she warns that the custodial parent may bear the brunt of some misdirected anger and frustration based upon the absence of the other parent. The parent who is there for the child is more trusted and secure and therefore, the children can voice their anger, sadness and frustrations with greater ease. This is normal.

Both experts agree that it’s important for parents to maintain a child’s structure, discipline and routine. They caution parents not to let guilt about the divorce cause them to falter on rules. It is also important to remember that if the noncustodial parent’s style differs, but in a non-harmful or non-threatening way, try not to worry too much as kids can adjust.

Seeking professional help or joining a support group can be a tremendous help as you begin to navigate a “single parent” life.

Jennifer Graziano is a single mother living in Westchester County.

Click Next for Do’s and Dont’s for Single Parents.

A Single Parent’s Suggestions
To help with the challenges of single parenthood here are some suggestions.

DO:
• Group Outings. Take your child to museums, parks, playgrounds, zoos, beaches, any place that’s fun. Invite your friends to tag along with their children. A group setting can allow you and your child to feel less alone.

• Accept Invitations. Go even when your married friends are inviting you! I take my daughter regularly to dinner with couple friends and their children when we are invited. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable when she is around other children who are with their fathers. We sit, we eat, we socialize and she gets to know the dads as well as the moms.

• Invite Friends Over For Playdates. We hosted a Valentine’s party for my daughter’s friends with crafts and cupcake decorating. Make your home an inviting place where warm memories are made.

• Ask For Help. When you become a parent you give birth to a set of “super powers,” but parenting is something you can’t do alone. For your own sanity, which will only help your child, make sure you receive help for babysitting or completing household chores and tasks.

• Seek Out Others In Your Situation. You can join a support group or seek out new friends that share your single parent status. Great bonds can be formed through sharing a common thread. There is comfort in knowing you’re not alone and a good support network is an invaluable resource.

DON’T:
• Dwell. The divorce has happened, regardless of the reason, regardless of who was right or wrong. The divorce is in the past, you and your child are in the present. There is too much to think about to get you and your child through this new situation, focus on the “now” and the future.

• Feel Embarrassed or Reluctant to Participate In Family Activities. A spouse doesn’t automatically make you a family. Your children deserve a happy and full life. They shouldn’t be deprived because of your inhibitions. Take your children to as many activities, parties, outings as you can. The smile it will bring to their face will reflect in yours. And when you and your child have had a good day, it will give you the strength to make tomorrow an even better one.

• Refuse Help. Everyone needs a hand sometimes.

• Blame. Blame is wasted energy. The past can’t be changed, only the course of the future. Blame can’t put a spouse back into their role nor can it fix a broken family. Channel your energy in positive ways that will benefit you and your child.