”Oh, good, you have extra juice boxes. We forgot ours today,” says a mom at the park while reaching into your diaper bag to help herself. “You don’t mind, do you?” she asks, and, though you have yet to answer, she has already pierced the foil opening with the little straw and handed it to her child. This is not your best friend or family member, just an acquaintance from your local playground. If you have experienced a similar incident, then you have been bullied – by a fellow mom.
Just Like Kids
Most of us think of children or adolescents when we hear the word bully, but here in suburbia there is plenty of bullying that goes on between grown women and it looks a lot like it does between kids.
According to Urban Dictionary, these women are Alpha Moms and are characterized as type A personalities “that make other moms feel totally inadequate and inferior because of their constant attempts to outdo other mothers. Incredibly competitive and judgmental, Alpha Mom has to be the first with the latest trends and fads and her kids always have to be ahead of all the other kids.” They engage in the same subtle or overt exclusions from social events and talk viciously behind each other’s backs.
A friend described a woman in her affluent Westchester town who bullies by manipulation and aggressive exclusion – setting people against one another with rumors and using social events such as barbeques, bar mitzvahs and even PTA committees to exclude people. She actually divides her friends into an “A” list and a “B” list and makes no secret of this. Even children of the mothers who have tried to fight back by confronting her have suffered the consequences by being excluded themselves.
In their zeal for perfection, Alpha Moms trample over anyone that does not further their ambitions. When confronted with such destructive and negative behavior it leaves well-educated, mature women feeling as helpless and isolated as a child. Though our advice to children is to simply ignore such people, many women find it difficult to do so.
What to Do
Lauren Rose, a psychologist from Rye, explains what drives some bullies. “These mothers are successful now, but maybe they weren’t growing up. They want to ensure their child will be successful and popular. Their bullying behavior may trigger other women’s feelings of insecurity.” If Alpha Moms are excluding you socially, Rose suggests examining your own motivation in pursuing these friendships and to ask yourself: “What is the value of the friendship to you? Do you actually want these people as friends or are you just trying to belong? Are there a few people in the group you consider friends? If you moved away, would you keep in touch with these women?” If so, pursue or maintain just those friendships on a more personal level and let go of the rest. You may be missing other opportunities to discover genuine friendships and establish your own group of likeminded people.
If you are being excluded from a school or local organization, Rose recommends being assertive and taking a stance if it is something you believe in. For example, if there is a PTA committee that really suits you, you have the right to be included and need to advocate for yourself. Diplomatically confront the person in charge and explain how you can contribute.
Avoid Being a Target
Confident people can instantly be spotted within a group without anyone saying a word. Janine Driver is a world-renowned body language expert and public speaker, and founder, president and lead instructor at The Body Language Institute. She is the author of You Say More Than You Think (Three Rivers Press, 2010), and describes confident people. “They enter a room or situation with a presence that announces, ‘I belong.’ They are usually well put-together, organized and walk purposefully.” Timid, insecure people are also identifiable and bullies pick people they can easily victimize. Driver says, “Timid people tend to keep their arms crossed over their bodies as if for protection, lack eye contact and speak softly, if they speak up at all. Their entire demeanor tells the world, ‘I’m not important.’” These women may not be picked to chair the PTA or other community committees because they are perceived as weak and possibly incompetent, and the Alpha Mom may not deem them enough fun to be part of their social group. Driver has tips for using body language to project a stronger image to lessen the chances of being bullied:
• Stand up straight. Keep your chin up, feet apart and arms uncrossed. Arms behind your back suggests even more confidence. You’ve got nothing to hide.
• Face people directly when speaking. Keep your head straight, not tilted, when speaking, and face people directly versus from the side. If someone starts talking over you, stop speaking and maintain eye contact until they stop. Start your next sentence with, “I was in the middle of saying …” to acknowledge the interruption and steer the conversation back on course.
Break the Cycle
Naming the behavior and confronting the offender are essential to ending this epidemic. Marie Newman is an anti-bullying family advocate, writer, mother and business owner and co-author of the book When Your Child is Being Bullied: Real Solutions for Parents, Educators and Other Professionals (Vivisphere Publishing, 2011). Newman says, “Ignoring bullying perpetuates the behavior and gives permission to those that bully.” And your adult behavior is often modeled by your kids; the timid moms tend to have kids more likely to be bullied. “The Alpha Moms that seek opportunities and connections with the most social currency versus seeking true friendships have kids that seek out the cool crowd and exclude others. These moms do not perceive excluding as wrong or bullying and therefore do not intervene.” Both cycles continue. Newman echoes the sentiment that you need to give serious thought about what friendship with these women means to you or represents.
Empower yourself by putting your bully on the spot, but do so privately. In person is best, but should at least be done over the phone. Do not hide behind an email. Newman recommends opening with a compliment, such as, “I really like what you have in mind for that committee and would like to take a bigger role. Here’s how I can help …” She emphasizes trying to stay positive, assuming your own leadership roles by identifying specifically what it is you would like to do and trying to work together. To the mom at the playground that helps herself, one might say, “It makes me a little uncomfortable when you help yourself to my things and I’d feel better if you asked me first.”
Advocating for yourself creates a better role model for your children. Ignoring bullying ensures its survival. If your children see you confronting and taking a stand against unfair behaviors they have a greater likelihood of standing up for themselves.
Miriam Longobardi is a freelance writer and mom.
Are You A Mom Who Bullys?
Is this you …
1. You gossip about your close friends or fail to speak out when someone else does. You think: Better anyone than you.
2. You have let friends go because they are not socially desirable. You think: You want to be at the best parties.
3. Your children exclude people and you ignore the behavior. You think: At least your kids are popular.
4. You invade people’s personal and physical space. You think: Every woman for herself.
5. You deliberately exclude specific people. You think: They just don’t make the cut.
If you have answered yes to any of the above you are exhibiting Alpha Mom behavior. If there are people in your life that exhibit these attitudes and behaviors,v Driver advises, “You get to decide who is in your life and you need to get rid of toxic people. Do not accept their gift of negative energy – it belongs to them.”
