The most important way that you can put your children first is to avoid a lengthy litigation battle with your spouse at all costs. Although a couple may no longer be right for each other, that doesn’t mean they are no longer a family – they are just a different kind of family. To put children first during and postdivorce, here is the best tip an attorney can give you: find a way to partner with your soon-to-be ex to create that new post-divorce family. That is the biggest gift you can give to your children.
So how do you do that?
Consider mediation.
The legal mediation process utilizes a neutral third-party to help you and your spouse reach agreements with which you both can live. Neither you nor your spouse will get everything you want, but you will make the decisions together, as opposed to leaving your family’s fate in the hands of the court system.
Decide what’s really worth fighting over.
Think this through carefully and make sure that there is truly no room for compromise.
Custody is often the biggest source of contention, but it doesn’t have to be.
Don’t confuse physical and legal custody, and unless there’s domestic violence or abuse, it makes little sense to fight over the latter. Legal custody is about who makes major decisions regarding the child (for example, medical procedures, education, and religion). In joint legal custody situations, both parents are involved and participate in the decision-making process.
Before fighting for sole legal custody ask yourself these questions:
Do I really not trust my child’s father/mother to have our child’s best interests at heart when considering major decisions? Would my child want their mother/father excluded? And often overlooked, do I want the burden of making these major decisions (and potential mistakes) on my own? It can be overwhelming to make major decisions involving your child without having input from the only other person on the planet that loves your child as much as you do.
Physical custody is about where the child lives.
This can be joint (50/50 or any variation), or primary physical custody to one parent with the other having parental access (visitation). This is the area most couples fight about, as it not only involves where the child lives, but how child support is paid (in 50/50 cases the higher earning spouse pays the other). But even in this case, it is important to remember that your child needs both parents. Your ex may parent differently than you do, and in most cases this will be fine and may even result in your child being more well-rounded.
Moving Forward
It’s important that your child gets the message that even though his parents don’t live together, they respect each other and are there for him unconditionally. Be creative about including your ex in major events in your child’s life, as it is hard for children to have two graduation parties, two bar/bat mitzvah’s or two birthday dinners. Sometimes this may not be possible, but it is wellworth the effort.
Issues involving finances can be more difficult because every family member will have to adjust to the fact that two households cannot be supported in the same manner as one. If one parent was a stay-at-home caretaker, this often means going back to work, and if one or both parents are working, it can mean looking for higher-paying work with longer hours. This can create frustration, but remember that, except in rare cases, both parents want the highest standard of living for their children. This is a good opportunity to partner with your ex as to how to achieve that and teach your children that there are things more important than money.
Telling your children you love them and being there for them is the easy part. What’s not so easy is to keep them in mind during the divorce process. Use your strength and integrity to avoid going to war with your spouse. In the end, your kids will thank you for it.
Lydia S. Antoncic, P.C., an experienced litigator for more than 20 years, offers a uniquely personalized approach to family and matrimonial law. Antoncic also represents children in neglect, custody and other family court proceedings. She is a trained mediator who works with couples to reach an amicable divorce resolution. Lsafamlaw.com.
