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A Celebration of Achievement

It was the best day of my life!” says 13-year-old Jay Burstein when asked about his bar mitzvah. His recollections of his feelings of excitement, mixed with nerves are typical of any child making his bar mitzvah. Yet, Jay was diagnosed with autism when he was just 17 months old. “Public speaking is nerve-wracking to me. It’s not one of my favorite things to do,” he says. “The road wasn’t easy. I mean, I didn’t even speak until I was 5.” Hearing him speak candidly about being autistic and the hard work that went into preparing for his bar mitzvah last November makes it hard to believe that he became so articulate in only eight years, yet that is only one of his many accomplishments.

Jay’s pediatrician had noticed some developmental concerns as early as 7 months and alerted his mother, Lori Beecher, to seek additional testing. Within the next year he was formally diagnosed and so began early intervention services.

It Takes a Village
The bond amongst Jay and his siblings is evident. Having watched his older sister celebrate her bat mitzvah a few years earlier and seeing his younger brother begin religious instruction, it was natural for Jay to think about his own bar mitzvah regardless of any extra steps needed to help him reach that milestone. Now Jay is watching his younger brother prepare for his bar mitzvah next year. “I’m really proud of him, watching him grow. He doesn’t have special needs or anything but we still help each other a lot – with sports, video games,” Jay says.

Among the honored guests at his bar mitzvah were as many of the teachers, therapists and service providers who had worked with Jay throughout his life as Beecher could locate. “All these people worked with him tirelessly over the years,” she says. She felt it was important for them to see how far he had come, beginning with early intervention, and the cumulative results of all their professional time spent working with him. Of course no bar mitzvah happens without the support of a rabbi and cantor, and Beecher could not begin to express her gratitude enough to Rabbi Morris Barzilai and Cantor Elizabeth Sternlieb, known affectionately to Jay as Rabbi Mo and Cantor Liz, from the Sinai Free Synagogue of Mount Vernon, N.Y.

Learning to read and sing in Hebrew and lead the service in prayers is challenging for anyone, but the complete confidence and dedication of Rabbi Mo and Cantor Liz encouraged not only Jay, but Beecher as well. They assured her that they would make whatever modifications necessary and work with him in order to ensure that he had a successful bar mitzvah experience. Cantor Liz even spent extra time working with Jay via Skype, helping him learn and practice all the songs. It was their willingness to do anything in their power to help that instilled confidence in both Jay and his family. Having such a supportive rabbi and cantor willing to give individual time and attention to their child is essential for parents of children with special needs contemplating the decision about whether to go through this experience.

The Big Day
Beecher admits to feeling very nervous the night before the bar mitzvah. “My husband and I had never even seen nor heard the speech he had prepared with the rabbi,” she says. It was with tears of pride that she watched Jay lead the service and listen to him deliver a heartfelt speech about how hard it is to have autism and the challenges he has faced along the way. The entire congregation was moved by his speech. Equally impressed was Jay’s speech therapist from his early intervention years who candidly shared with Beecher following the service, “When I left Jay I never knew if he would speak a word of English.”

Practicing in front of people helped him gain confidence and, in preparation, the rabbi had him lead prayers at a couple of Friday night services to get used to standing before everyone. Watching him work through his nervousness on those evenings, Beecher was tremendously grateful that he was given that experience prior to his bar mitzvah to help him become comfortable.

“This is an incredible gift to give a child,” Beecher reflected. “He’s spent years being told to do things differently or what he needs to correct. This was a day everyone was so proud of exactly how he did everything. It was a really empowering experience.”

What was the best part of the day? “People were coming up to me after, complimenting me and telling me it was the best party ever!” Jay says. “People were moved by my life story. Some of my old teachers had tears of joy.”

Miriam Longobardi is a mom and freelance writer. She is a breast cancer survivor, marathon runner and teaches fourth grade in Chappaqua. 

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