For better, marriage offers support, love and laughter, but with those fairy tale feelings also comes a balance of finances, chores, careers and ideas of how things should be done. Put a child into the mix and you’ve added more chores, exhaustion, and less time together. If your child has a special need, there is increased worry, added appointments, emotional evaluations, therapy sessions, CSEs and IEPs Because of these added stresses, marriage for parents with a child with special needs may require more fine-tuning to stay successful. Here, experts offer their tips on how to stay connected, supportive and in love while raising a child with a disability.
Communication
One common mistake women make is defining who they are based on their child’s disability. Some women may not talk with their spouses about the everyday struggles with any and all aspects of therapy, from transportation to practice. These moms can become resentful and emotionally drained. Men, on the other hand, tend to feel the burden of not being able to fix their child and may withdraw from the situation or deny there is an issue. “This is very complicated stuff,” says Fran Walfish, Ph.D., a family psychotherapist and author. Walfish, who has appeared on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams and Dr. Phil, just released her latest book, The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building A Better Bond with Your Child (Palgrave Macmillan/St. Martin’s Press, 2010).
Walfish says, “Couples that collapse are the ones who hold their feelings inside. There should be a checking-in with each other on a daily basis for even 15 to 20 minutes of uninterrupted connection. This means that two willing partners shut off their cell phones, BlackBerrys, and computers and commit to talking about the day and its stresses.” These check-ins are meant to offer each spouse the opportunity to be heard fully and completely, without one spouse emptying the dishwasher or flipping through television channels. The goal is to learn about the other spouse’s day, share a smile, or offer support, and most importantly, to feel heard.
Consider the Other Person’s Perspective
Walfish has noticed that “often one parent is working to financially support the family, and the other parent carries the burden of managing the children 24/7. This imbalance often brings added stress to the relationship.”
The problem often arises when one spouse quits work to “take over” therapy issues. This sometimes includes numerous therapy sessions, testing, school meetings, learning the rights and laws for your child and creating real world situations in which therapy can be practiced. It can be exhausting, emotional and lonely. On the other hand, the spouse that continues to support the family financially has the added pressure of becoming the sole provider in a time of job insecurity. Being invaluable all day to a boss and then coming home to a busy house can also be overwhelming. Spouses would do well to remember what the other spouse is doing to provide for the family, be it financially or emotionally.
Outside Help
Elaine Hall, author of the recently released Now I See the Moon: A Mother, a Son, a Miracle (Harper, 2010) and founder of The Miracle Project suggests if spouses are party assistance. She suggests looking to the school district for help, as there is usually a school counselor that can offer free services to ease the financial burden. Monthly meetings can be written into the IEP (Individual Education Plan) that will allow for a child-free discussion with all therapists and parents. The therapists can provide hard to hear information and explain things in a detached and clinical format. If the parents have different opinions on how to best proceed, the therapists have the experience to offer pros and cons of varying options and can help guide the parents to a workable solution. Throughout these conversations, any questions and concerns should be addressed at this time. This way, everybody will understand the course and reasons for future treatmenthe plan, therefore increasing its effectiveness. It also involves both parents in the process and spares one parent from being responsible for all educational issues for the child.
Date Night – No Talks About Therapy or Child
“All couples should have a scheduled weekly date night,” says Walfish. “The objective is to add more glue to the bricks and mortar laid in the foundation of their marital relationship.” Your weekly outings should be fun and stress-free, with no discussion of anxiety provoking things like the child’s issues.
Hall reinforces the idea that the concept of date night is to rebuild or strengthen the intimacy within the couple, so if times do get tough, you have these great moments to fall back on. While your child’s disability or your financial restrictions make it seem as if a weekly date is impossible, be resourceful. There must be one hour a week you can devote to each other so your marriage remains a priority. Can you put on a favorite child’s movie and sit on the back deck? Or feed the children dinner early and enjoy an adult dinner later. If you don’t live near family, is there a neighbor willing to come over? Maybe one of the therapists can help once in a while. Just be sure to treat them to lunch later! Lingering over dinners may take too much time and be expensive, but taking walks holding hands or playing card games are free. Maybe splitting an appetizer out is more affordable and time efficient right now.
Be Grateful
Hall also encourages spouses to show gratitude toward each other to create a loving, enriching environment. Though at first it might feel forced to find things your spouse does, you can begin to realize the things your partner does to support you. Maybe it’s picking up milk on the way home from work, or putting therapy into play, a home cooked meal or gassing up the car. All of these things are easy to take for granted, but are helpful. If you think something nice of your spouse, be sure to tell them. The feeling of love will follow!
Though marriage isn’t always easy or fun, there are proactive steps that can be taken to avoid major breakdowns. Things will get better, the hard work does pay off, and working as a team will certainly help the family as a whole. Now pop in your wedding video, get sappy, and go give your spouse a big hug!
Julia Garstecki is a freelance writer and educator living in western New York.
